Girl Redeemed

The Waiting Season

When I encountered Jesus, my heart was willing to surrender SOME of my life to Him. Yet, some things I still had myself convinced my judgment was supreme. One of these was my romantic relationships. For two years, the Holy Spirit told me to separate from my partner and for two years, I suppressed that voice in rebellion. During that time I got angry with God, I tried to bargain with God, and, sadly, I rejected God when I realized I had to choose between Him and a man.

But by His grace, God continued to knock at my hardened heart. He pursued me in my sin, leaving the 99 just for me.

When I finally opened my heart up to God, again, I was unmarried, cohabitating, and unequally yoked. The bible says, ^“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14. I knew it was wrong. So, I begged God to save this man NOW. I begged Him for a ring. I looked around at other recently saved couples. They used to be unmarried, living together, then one woke up to the knowledge of truth of Jesus and one led the other to Christ. Then they were both married. So simple, so easy.

That wasn’t my story.

Shortly after having a baby, living a comfortable life in her father’s home, God told me to move.

I searched in vain for scripture to validate my current lifestyle. I couldn’t find anything. I wavered in my decision, called several people and prayer lines to make petitions for me, and tried to reason with my own flesh. I tried to simply ignore the strong urgency to leave, but as I got closer to God the voice got louder, the conviction stronger, and the discomfort with staying where I was at even more agonizing. I realized this was, indeed, the Lord speaking to me.

“But, I’m comfortable here, God. How will I pay for that? Don’t You see that I’m living off of student loans? I have a six-month old daughter. . .”

All excuses. None of them convincing to an all-powerful God.

Don’t you trust me, daughter?

People called me nuts and foolish. The man wanted to take me to the mental institution.

But, I knew I heard from the Lord. And when you hear from the Lord, you better listen. Because when I stand before Him, those naysayers are not going to be there. It is going to be just me standing before my God giving an account for this very decision.

That’s conviction.

My flesh fought my spirit. The enemy brought strife and confusion.

That’s when my prayers changed. Instead of praying for God to meet my demands on my time schedule, I prayed for a spirit of obedience. I prayed for Him to prepare a place for me to live.

He answered me.

I had just walked up to the altar and surrendered my life to Jesus. I met a woman on the salvation team who I began calling and opening up to. I told her about my dilemma, how I felt God tell me to move but that I didn’t know where to go. She told me she had a room for rent in an apartment just a few minutes away from church. She never pressured me. She just told me to pray.

So, with little in my bank account and a mustard seed of faith, I packed up my stuff and I moved out right after I finished my last final. Oh yeah, did I say all this happened during LAW SCHOOL FINALS? That’s the thing about God’s timing—its usually not “convenient.”

And during this loooong season of singleness, I grew bitter with envy. I got impatient with God.

I had to let it go. I had to surrender to His will and trust His judgement is better than mine. I had to understand that He knows the desires of my heart and wants to grant them but on His time and in His way. The devil tempted me with all sorts of lies—“You betta act ‘cause you’re getting old.” “You betta act ‘cause you might lose the man that’s for you.” All subtle ways to convince me to jump ahead of God. All subtle ways to get me to settle for anything less than God’s best. All subtle ways to make me doubt God’s perfect will.

So, instead of moping around feeling sorry for myself (I did this for a little bit first tho ;)) I said OK God and I started putting Him first. I reached inward for the pieces of my heart I had foolishly tried to hoard for myself and I laid them down at the altar.

“Take it all, God,” I finally said.

It was in those beautifully broken moments of submission, I felt the most free.

I could have settled for comfort. I could run back with fear and doubt. But, instead I took the lowly road and pursued an incredibly uncomfortable season, because obedience to the Lord is worth far more to me than anything this world can ever offer me. I learned that God wanted to teach me something. He wanted to show me that I didn’t need a person to complete me. All I need is Him.

That wasn’t the last time the Lord asked me to choose HIM over the lusts of my flesh, my own desires, and wordly security. I get tested daily. But, my choice will always be God even if that means struggling here on this earth. Because one day, this world will pass away and all I will have is Him. So, no, I’m not ashamed. No, I’m not scared.

I will honor this waiting season. I will honor it by going to continue grow my relationship with the Lord. This is essential because, if not, when we receive the blessing of marriage, we can turn our spouse into an idol and let it take us out. God is ensuring this doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, He is pruning me to be a wife. I’ve taken this season to acquire domestic skills I didn’t learn as a child. Cooking, baking, cleaning, hosting, gathering. I never really valued these skills or took the time to diligently learn them until now. Further, I am learning intangible skills—how to be patient, humble, and submissive. In that way I will be a blessing to my husband. I had to unlearn many things society and my circumstances thought me about marriage and the role of a wife. I had to grow up spiritually.

The Proverbs 31 woman seemed so unattainable. Yet, I am becoming more like her every day.

Therefore, I say thank you God for the waiting. I will worship and praise You because Your ways are higher than mine and You are getting ready to bless me in a bigger way than this world ever could.

Chasing “Good Enough”

I’ll just admit this: I struggled with depression even as a Christian and I was ashamed to admit it.

It all stemmed from a constant feeling of not being good enough.

I feel like the desire to be the popular kid doesn’t end when you graduate high school. Rather, you enter society at the bottom of the totem pole (unless you’re a 1 in a million exception childhood star), still trying to be Homecoming Queen in a class of 7.8 billion. You watch as people fight to “make it” in various areas—some in medicine, some in business, some competing to make pies and bedazzle houseguests better than Martha Stewart. In any arena, there’s a competition, some race to get to the top. Which outlet you choose? That’s on you. I feel like no one ever tells you that you’re going to struggle with an innate sense of loneliness that the world tells you “success” will resolve. So, you kill yourself to obtain accolades, material wealth, and Instagram followers only to find yourself empty as you meet each new rung of the ladder. You’re exhausted yet still striving for the next achievement, the next partner, the next car, the next whatever . . . to make you happy. That’s what the Samaritan woman at the well did. She had several husbands and was not satisfied. Jesus spoke in parables, comparing her unfulfillment in life with an inability to quench her thirst with water from the well.

_{Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (New International Version, John 4:13).}

I can relate to the Samaritan woman. If it wasn’t people I sought, it was the next success, all the while comparing myself to everyone around me and feeling “not enough.” The pressure to prove myself to 7.8 billion combined with insecurity and doubt woke me up each morning like a bag of bricks being thrown at my head. Skull-crushing anxiety and horrible, horrible thoughts of worthlessness. When I couldn’t master these thoughts, I tried hiding from them. I subtly started to sleep my life away. But, every time I’d open my eyes, the thoughts were there, this time louder, accompanied by their evil stepsisters—shame and condemnation. Moreover, friends and family begin to worry about me, but often it was too hard to see me in this state so they slowly trickled out of my life. Isolation became the breeding ground for more insidious thoughts.

And I just laid down and took it.

Despite all this, I white-knuckled it to pass my classes in college and law school, even gaining honorable achievements along the way.

I hid the pain well.

But no achievement in the world could silence the inner critic. They were all merely distractions. I could never really appreciate each milestone since my eyes were always set on the next, and the next, and the next. Law school kind of programs you to think like this anyway. You have to get in, then pass your classes, then get the internships, then join the competition teams, then graduate, then pass the bar, then find a job. Constant performing, constant measuring your value amongst a group of type-A individuals.

Its exhausting.

Yet, for some reason I put myself in that environment because I wanted to change the world with a law degree.

The aforementioned mental battle took place before I found Jesus, but even after giving my life to Him, these feelings tried to wrestle their way back into heart and steal the joy God freely gave me.

I learned no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hide from my feelings. Hiding was MY way of dealing with life, but that wasn’t God’s way. When I did things MY way, my anxiety grew exponentially until I cried out to God in utter surrender. And some days I didn’t feel His presence but I had to trust He was there. Deuteronomy 8:2-3 says:

_{And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.}

I had to feel the pain of my own hunger to understand my necessity for God. That required humbling, the leveling of my pride. Pride says, “I don’t need anyone; I can do life alone.” Humility reminds us that without God, we can’t do anything.

So, I humbly asked God to remove the anxious thoughts I faced daily. When He wouldn’t remove them, I asked WHY. I had to do my part, He said. Faith without works is dead. I had to get up in the morning and spend time with Him. I had to open up my bible and seek wisdom and truth.

And I didn’t do these things until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Once I spent time renewing my mind with the Word of God, I learned to distinguish His voice from the ramblings and lies. And when I did, I discovered some beautiful truths.

That I was fearfully and wonderfully made. (New King James Version, Psalm 139:14)

That I was blessed and highly favored. (Luke 1:28)

That I didn’t have to compete with anyone. (2 Corinthians 10:12)

That He KNEW me before He formed me in my mother’s womb. (Jeremiah 1:5)

That God had a plan for me, not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I began to study these truths, speak these truths, and plant them into my heart. So, when the devil whispered those thoughts of worthlessness at me, I was armed and ready to fire back. And let me tell you, some days, I am weary and I don’t want to fight. But what other option do I have?

I want to encourage you to not give up. It may take time to master your thoughts. It may take a ton of spiritual vigor to fight a very real spiritual war. But what’s impossible for man, is possible for God. And He is there freely giving us strength we need to fight, if only we are open to receive it.

The Link Between Forgiveness and Healing

Although cancer treatment can be trying, there’s a silver lining amidst it all. Not only do I get to witness God heal me physically, but I’ve watched Him mend emotional wounds I didn’t know I had until I sat still. Along with chemo, the Lord prescribed me His own treatment: prayer, praise, and doing His will daily. Part of that process involved forgiving myself and others. One of the people He asked me to forgive was my mom who fought her own cancer battle. She did this all while climbing the corporate ladder and mothering me the best she knew how. Sometimes I wish I could call her on the phone and ask how she managed it all. But through my own battle, God’s allowed me to feel emotions my mom rarely talked about. And out of that birthed an incredible compassion and empathy.

Does forgiveness open the door to full restoration of physical health? Are they even related to one another?

Yes, absolutely yes.

If you don’t think bitter hearts are linked to illness, think again. This is not to say that unforgiveness is the root cause of sickness. We live in a fallen world where sin has given birth to curses—some generational. And even completely upright men and women of faith (i.e. Job) can experience sufferings. Their persistence through such will be used by God to give Him glory. But forgiving others can be the very thing that initiates the healing process. Three important points must be made to understand how forgiveness and healing are linked: (1) Unforgiveness is disobedience to God’s will, (2) Disobedience is sin, and (3) Sin removes us from beneath the covering of God’s protection.

Unforgiveness is disobedience

Forgiveness is an act of obedience to Christ. The following verses demonstrate that:

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

“bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Collossians 3:!3

The aforementioned verses show that it isn’t God’s will for us to live with a bitter, unforgiving heart. In fact, that very bitterness can manifest into physical illness. Scientific studies even show correlations.

Disobedience is sin

When asked to define sin, most people, believers and nonbelievers alike, begin spouting out the 7 deadly sins—gluttony, lust, greed, pride, envy, wrath, and sloth. Some think sin is any activity listed after “thou shalt not” in the book of Exodus. But, what if I told you sin could be failing to witness to a neighbor about Christ after the Lord commanded you to? Or refusing to change locations after God told you to move? Sin transverses beyond the black letter law of the bible; it is anything that is outside the will of God.

Sin brings curses

Even though Father sent His Son, Jesus, our Lord to die for our sins and after receiving Him we have grace, even for the sins we commit today, we are not without consequences for our sins. Some believe we are no longer saved if our sin (transgressions) turns into iniquity (continuous, unrepentant sin), therefore committing apostasy. Others believe once saved always saved. That will be another blog post. However, we can probably all agree that continued sin opens us up to curses. Deuteronomy 28:15 says,“But it shall come to pass, if you do not obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all His commandments and His statutes which I command you today, that all these curses will come upon you and overtake you.” The following curses are pretty severe including curses over our food, our land, our children. Yet, we can rejoice in the fact that our God is a merciful God and once we become obedient to His Word, we will be blessed. (Deuteronomy 28)

I needed to forgive my mom.

Equipped with this knowledge (Thank you, Holy Spirit), what was I to do now?

Forgive, of course! A couple people the Lord put on my heart to forgive were my mother and myself.

Here is that testimony:

My mother, a hard-working and tenacious woman, devoted her life to achieving greatness in a male-dominated car industry. Even though I admired my mom’s ambition, I couldn’t help but feel second-place to her career. I spent many end-of-the-months curled up in the conference room watching Disney VHS’s, eating taco bell for dinner, while Mom pulled all-nighters to complete those ”last few deals.” I spent much of this time writing storyboards, crafting potions using bitter midday coffee, powdered creamer, and breakroom condiments. I appreciated the fact that my mom’s salary could pay for piano lessons, dance class, and a gated community, but some days I just really wanted my mom’s attention. At the time, I didn’t know how to quite express that into words so I resorted to whining, pouting, and anxiety attacks. I catapulted myself into school, thinking Dean’s List and scholastic accolades would win her over.

I just desperately wanted to feel “enough.”

My mom continued to sprint to the top even after a cancer diagnosis. She juggled motherhood, chemo treatments, and lengthy business meetings. We took well advantage of before and after school programs where I waited anxiously to hear the clickety-clacks of my mom’s high heels coming to pick me up. Today, I can articulate the emotion I felt the majority of the time—lonely. Yes, I had friends but nothing can quite replace the comfort of a present mother. I feel like I’m being a bit harsh as I write these words down, but I’m trying to help you grasp my slow descent into bitter numbness, carved by a spirit of unforgiveness that God has recently removed.

At 13 years old, not only was I lonely, but I was now scared. Is my mother actually dying? Is this more serious than she’s letting on?

I suppose its never easy to tell your child you have a terminal illness. But, the day my mom and dad sat me down, my mom letting out tears I had yet to see in my 13 years of life, I knew this was serious. This happened right before I got sent off to summer camp.

I believed in a God but I didn’t quite “know” Him. I pleaded for Him to make my mom better. Then, I attempted to negotiate.

“If you make mom better,” I’d say. “I’ll be the best daughter and student I could ever be.”

When my mom quit her job to go full-time hospice, I couldn’t help but think my prayers were falling upon deaf ears. I didn’t quite know how to pray or what promises were available to believers in Christ. Satan used that experience to weaken my faith and it’d be over ten years later I’d be willing to try to open up my heart to Jesus again. But by His grace, my faith is strong today.

Even though my mom was not at fault, I took out my anger with the situation on her. She didn’t deserve it, and I wish I could take it back. But, I understand that we all morph and grow and sometimes we deal with things in ways that don’t quite make sense.

My aunt would take me, my cousin, and a deck of UNO cards to visit my mom in hospice. Her voice was groggy, hands and feet swollen, hair falling out. Ellen DGeneres, her favorite show was playing in the background. I’d spend the entire time peering at the clock, asking my aunt when we could leave. My aunt prompted me to give mom a hug and I managed to give her a stiff, cold pat on the back. I had no tears, no compassion, just unbearable pain I didn’t know how to deal with. So, I stuffed it. I shut myself off—my toxic mechanism to spare myself from the hurt of losing her.

My dad told me I was the only one with dry eyes at mom’s funeral. I felt so detached from the situation; it was as if I was simply a character in a very bad dream. I was sullen, pale, and 30 pounds underweight. The whole thing felt like a blur. I just remember the freedom of releasing dormant butterflies upon to the Heavens in her honor.

It’d be years later before I final grieved the situation. I used various forms of distraction in the meantime. Often, I’d get asked, “Did you mourn the loss of your mom?” And almost always, I’d say,

“I don’t know.”

You see, no one really tells you how to grieve. And I’ve come to learn, everyone is entitled to their own experience. Every time a milestone hit, it’d be like, “Wow, I really wish my mom was here to share this moment with me.”

Not only did I need to grieve but I needed to forgive. I needed to forgive my mom for not meeting my expectations. My own battle with breast cancer became a platform for that very forgiveness.

In this way, God used a bad experience for good.

While having to respond to life’s demands while sick with nausea, fatigued from harsh drugs, and emotionally weary from the stress of it all, I grew a great compassion for my mom. Life doesn’t stop when you get cancer, it continues to go on as you’re forced to slow down . . . often leaving us feeling like we have to play catchup or work harder just to stay in the game.

In this respect, I felt feelings she most likely had but rarely talked to me about. Emotions that she didn’t want her 13-year-old daughter to see in an attempt to remain “strong.”

I wish I could tell her she was still strong even when she felt weak; its OK to feel weak. The Word says, “let the weak say I am strong.” (Joel 3:10). That’s because our breaking point is the perfect opportunity to rely on God. The Lord delights when we humble ourselves and admit we cannot do anything without His help. And He’s ready to help us!

So, sometimes forgiveness looks like this.

Other times, it can happen instantly if we allow the Lord to open our hearts and heal us. Remembering how He forgave us for the most wicked sins is helpful. He loved us even when we mocked Him, even when we rejected Him.

So, how can we not extend that same grace to our neighbor?

Thank you for reading this blog post. Praying the Lord heals every wound in your heart and enables you to forgive others. God bless.

Cancer doesn’t have the final say.

“How are you going to apprentice to be a leader at church, run zoom groups, serve in ministry AND study for the bar exam while going through chemo? “You’re gonna be too sick, too tired, too out of it.” These are thoughts I fought through after being diagnosed with breast cancer. These lies were sent to discourage me from doing the will of God.

When I saw the laundry-list of symptoms available to chemo patients, I almost lost heart. Some of these symptoms include loss of appetite, throwing up with nausea, nails turning black, extreme fatigue, and loss of the ability to taste. Images of my mom slowly deteriorating before my eyes during the last stages of her battle with cancer haunted me. But although I’ve had some symptoms (hair loss, some tiredness, and others that are TMI), they are minor in comparison to the horror stories I’ve heard and seen. I feel the worst 4-days post chemo; 3 days taking the steroid Decadron and 1 day withdrawing from it. After I conquer that hurdle with prayer, extra walks, and a light to-do list, my body recuperates and I relish the feeling of normalcy.

On most days, you wouldn’t be able to tell I have cancer. I continue to win souls and make disciples for the Kingdom of God in spite of my diagnosis. I’m able to serve in ministry, help women study the bible, and prepare an atmosphere of faith in my home for the Holy Spirit to touch others. The devil is a liar. I can say, with confidence, that I have done every one of the things the devil told me I couldn’t do. In fact, I have pursued His will with more spiritual vigor than ever because God is my strength. I will continue to be stead fast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that my labor is not in vain. (1. Cor. 15:58).

I have been blessed with a family who has stepped in to help me tremendously. I am beyond grateful for the support of friends and loved ones. As is promised in the book of Malachi, God has truly opened up the storehouses of Heaven to pour out a blessing I can hardly contain. God has blessed me so I can in turn help others. I am able to bless them by sharing the gospel, discipleship, time and energy, and hope when they hear this testimony.

I want to encourage you not to quit. Cancer doesn’t have the final say. Depression doesn’t have the final say. Anxiety, strife, loneliness, addiction, lust, pride don’t have the final say! God does. Open the Word and receive it in your heart because it never comes back void.

I’m living proof.

How to Thrive during Cancer Treatment

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com

I contemplated the title “How to stay sane during cancer treatment,” but I can tell you, although that’s what I’ve done some days, other days, I’ve done more than that. I’ve thrived. I’ve experienced pure joy. Is that possible? If we rest in God anything is, really. Although I’m not jumping for joy every day, I remain grateful and humble in the moments I feel happy and content. Here are some tips to help all you cancer survivors (Yes, if you’re alive and breathing, you are a survivor!) tackle their treatment with grace.

(1) Guard your heart

Put on your armor

When you’re going through medical treatment, be wise to guard your heart from fear masquerading as “concerns for your health.” And all the sudden everyone wants to mention their second cousin’s husband who chose your particular method of treatment or had your particular stage of cancer and died. These words are like daggers that can leave the spiritually unarmed person lost and fearful. That’s why we gotta suit up in our spiritual armor every day. Ephesians 6:11 reminds us to “put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

We stay armed up by meditating on God’s word night and day. The more you meditate on God’s Word, the more your faith will grow, leaving those daggers of fear burnt and destroyed beneath your feet. For instance, if you know that you know that you know that you will not die but live and declare the works of the Lord (Psalm 118:17, King James Version), how can any word of man change that? God is either honest or a liar, and the Word says, “God is not a man that he should lie” (Numbers 23:19, KJV). The issues stems from whether or not we believe Him.

Be mindful who you let pour into you

A sure-fire way to feel fear and intimidation is to listen to words by others who are full of fear. Remember, that many people have loved ones who have battled cancer. And although they have strong opinions, those opinions may not be helpful at this time. If a person has only negative things to say about your particular treatment course of action, it may be wise to separate from them for a season. I needed to be fed only with faith and positivity during such a vulnerable time. I had to mind what I watched on television, in movies, and in songs. Believe it or not, our eyes and ears are the gateways to our hearts so we must be mindful not to fill such passageways with junk.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23, King James Version).

(2) Use your authority to cast down negative thoughts

Although I know God is healing me, I still struggle with the side effects of a prescribed mediation that doctor has me take 3 days post-chemo. When I’m on this medication, I feel fidgety, on-edge, and its hard to focus on fine-print or tasks set before me. This lack of energy and transition sometimes causes me to feel incompetent and not enough. But, I have to remind myself that I am enough. Even if I have to take a few days to recuperate, I am still worthy in God’s eyes. In my weakness, He is made strong. I find peace in that knowledge and use it to cast down all the negative lies from the enemy telling me otherwise! I know who I am in Christ–a fearfully and wonderfully made more-than-a-conqueror.

(3) Thank God Every Day

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Yes, it might be hard, especially the days it takes an extra load of strength to get out of bed. But, God is certainly worthy of praise every moment. When we praise, we bring down strongholds. So, even when I didn’t feel like praising, I got up and praised the name of Jesus. Then, I felt peace and levity, inspiring me to praise more. It says in the word that we put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, so I literally replaced depressing thoughts with praise. It worked!

(4) Give yourself grace

It is ok to let people help you. It is ok to take some time to rest and regroup. Its ok to order in rather than cooking pinterest-worthy homemade vegan meals every other night all while trying to study for the bar exam, deal with chemo side effects, and church ministry. This was challenging for me. I wanted to don my superwoman cape and tackle the world. And although a cancer diagnosis and myriad of tests, doctor appointments, and chemo treatments won’t stop my goals, it definitely slowed them down. And that’s OK. In this season, God taught me to focus on what really mattered in life and prioritize my time. And in the quietness, I was able to hear Him more closely rather than running around like a hamster on an endless wheel to nowhere. It is amazing that in that quiet stillness, I could finally feel a peace and confidence that would allow me to conquer life’s obligations from a clearer head space.

So, I allowed my family to help me watch my daughter and told guilt to take back seat. And I do my best to not compare myself to picture-perfect social media moms. I reminded myself that its ok to feel weak. For in my weakness, God is made strong. Further, the Word says, “For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things” (1 John 3:20, King James Version).

So, I had to get over the mommy-guilt and allow myself time to heal. I had to remind myself that I was not incapable or not enough, but rather a chosen, beloved Daughter of God striving toward the goal of being a sufficient present mother who can provide for her child.

(5) Give your family and loved ones grace

They love you and are doing the best to help you. Even though they may not always help in the way you’d like them to help, use your words and communicate. Communicate with them what your needs are during this time and remember, they are dealing with a plethora of emotions too. Extend grace and patience toward one another just as God does with you. Like it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

The War Against Our Flesh

Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 15:24-25.

What is the flesh?

Lately, it has been made apparent to me through revelation by the Holy Spirit that my flesh needs to submit to God. By that, I mean I need to die to self. What does it mean exactly to “die to self?” Self is basically our soul which is comprised of 3 parts: (1) our mind, (2) our will, and (3) our emotion. A worldly comparison to this is the “ego.” It is the flesh’s nature to protect itself. Its characteristics are selfishness by design. Its goal is to serve itself sometimes at the expense of others. Unfortunately, we live in a world that encourages that, marketing self-indulgence, self-seeking, and pleasure. The deception is that in seeking after our own desires we will be happy. However, the world can only bring superficial happiness; if we want joy that is long-lasting, we must do what is contrary to our flesh.

Fruits of the Flesh v. Fruits of the Spirit

We learn in Galatians that the fruits of the flesh (i.e. what our flesh produces) are: “Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envying, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like.” Galatians 5:19-21. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” Galations 5:22-23.

God calls us to humble ourselves and submit to him. In doing so, we must lay down our own will in obedience to His. Not everyone is willing to do that. Not everyone is willing to sacrifice temporal comfort and obey the Lord. This obedience can look like speaking to a stranger or loved one about the gospel or separating from a romantic partner because God directed you to. I’ve been asked to do both . . . and neither were easy feats. Why? Our flesh does not seek to do the will of God; our spirit, on the other hand, does. That is why scripture tells us, The “spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41.

How to Hear from God

Before we can even hear and receive guidance from the Holy Spirit, however, we must accept Jesus as our Lord. It is then we can experience the infilling of the Holy Spirit who directs us.

“Now this he said about the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were to

receive, for as yet the Spirit had not been given, because Jesus was not yet

glorified.” John 7:39.

The Holy Spirit, part of the Godhead Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) acts as our Helper until Jesus returns to the earth. He gives us direction and guidance to do the will of our Father. In order to hear Him, we must humble ourselves and have an open heart.

How to Obey God/Walking in the Spirit

Once we hear from the Holy Spirit, we need obey the Lord. This can be a torturous experience or a simple one–the distinguishing factor, our humility and trust in God. If we truly know God is for us, rooting for us, carrying us through an opportunity He’s called us to be bold in, shouldn’t it be easy? But its when we waver in this and still cling to the false notion that we’re not safe, that the “monster” is bigger than the God we serve, we cower and make excuses when God calls us to be bold. We can see how Moses did this when God asked him

Build faith and trust in God by spending time with Him

So, in order to obey God, we must, first believe in Him, then second trust Him. How do you trust Him? Well, how would you trust a person you just met? You have to form a relationship. Get to know each other. We do this by spending time in God’s presence and in His Word. The more time we spend with Him, the more time we bask in His glory and become acutely aware of His love for us. Being aware of how much He loves us, we begin to understand He would not ask us to do anything that would harm us. In fact, He works for the good of those who love Him who are called according to His purpose. And in Jeremiah 29:11, we learn that the plans He has for us are good. Further, His ways and thoughts are higher than ours, meaning, even though we may think we have our best interest in mind with our little minute plans for our lives, we learn His ways are far greater than we could ever imagine. He is able to see beyond what our natural eyes can envision for our lives. So, we trust His judgement and we submit to Him.

2. Utilize Fasting

Comprised within our flesh is our mortal body and our emotions. Often times, it tries to usurp dominance over the undisciplined person. We may neglect going to church because we “don’t feel like it.” We lash out at another driver because we “feel disrespected” by her behavior. We hide our faith because we “feel uncomfortable and embarrassed,” to share it amongst people we know will judge us. The non-believer may feel little remorse doing this things. Pride has hardened their hearts from seeing their sin. For the believer, however, we face a heavy conviction after participating in these actions, driving us to repentance and an incessant desire to turn away from such behavior. How can we break out of this cycle once an for all? Fasting is a great way to discipline the flesh. When we deny our bodies’ food, a basic necessity, we train ourselves to walk in the spirit rather than at our flesh’s beck and call. Fasting is spiritual practice we do for the glory of God. It is not a diet, a punishment, or a means to salvation. (Salvation is a free gift from the Lord) It is a way to better tune our spiritual ears to what the Holy Spirit is saying to us and to train our flesh that it is no longer in control of our actions.

I hope this article was helpful. I am, too, looking to put this into practice. Remeber, God’s mercies are new everyday. We must seek to do His will and spend time with Him daily. We need Him like we need air to breathe and food to eat.

God bless. ❤

Why I confess, “I am healed,” before getting medical clearance

After writing my healing testimony part 1, I got a few responses. Some wondering if I still had cancer. . others wondering if I had completed treatment. No, I have not yet completed my cancer treatment which includes a total of 6 rounds of chemotherapy, surgery, and potentially radiation. Still, I declare that I am healed. Why is that? Because in my spirit, I know I am. My faith in God is so strong that no word from man, including the doctor, herself, can tell me otherwise. Yes, I am aware of the treatment I must undergo and, yes, I plan to undergo it unless the Lord tells me otherwise. But, yes, I know God is a God of miracles and that I will see my healing manifest through Him in my body.

God says through His Word, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21. This means that our words have the very power to contract life or contract death. That’s why I guard my heart before every doctor visit. I must guard it against death-ladden words spoken over me which we often, unfortunately, encounter in any conventional medical hospital. The sad part is when we take these words to heart, when we let someone else tell us when and how we will die. I refuse to allow that in my heart. I guard my heart by asking the Holy Spirit to do so and by arming myself with a double-edged sword–God’s Word, the Holy Bible. That’s how you guard your heart against the lies of the enemy and when you resist him, he will flee from you. Some make “cancer” out to be a scary monster, one that is bigger than anything. Well, that is entirely untrue. The name of Jesus is bigger than cancer. But the key is. . . do we know that? Do we believe that? The Word says, “Anything is possible to him that believes.” So, its possible to be healed of cancer, but we have to earnestly believe God has that ability and that He will use that ability to heal us. God’s promise to heal is a promise to all of us. It is a promise to His precious children. We become a child of God by accepting His Son, Jesus Christ, and through that new birth enter into a covenant with the Lord. Included in that covenant is a promise to heal. Once you know that you know that you know that, nothing can stop you. No power in hell can intimidate you. No symptoms can make you cower in doubt. The second I see a symptom, I have to bridle my tongue from speaking doubt. For example, I cannot say, “oh well I’m still experiencing this so I guess God isn’t working.” No, I continue, in spite of the symptom, to praise the Lord for my healing.

The key is to have steadfast faith.

Healing Testimony PT. 1

June 7, 2019

On May 27, 2020, I received a phone call from my doctor. She had news for me that no one wants to get . . . Cancer. I had recently found a lump in my breast, went to get it checked out through ultrasound and mammogram, and was ordered to get a biopsy. The results came back as carcinoma in the breast and lymph nodes. Fear gripped me as I processed the information. The Word of God played melodically but soft in the back of my head, as the spirt of fear tried to choke it with Herculean hands. God had prepared me for this very moment. He had been preparing me since the day I walked up the altar and invited Him into my heart. Well, little did I know, He’d been preparing me before I was even born. He planted me in a Holy Spirit filled church; an anointed church; a church that believes in the miracles of the Living God. So with trembling hands I gripped my shield of faith . . . just like I was taught, through all those weeks of discipleship classes, but today but arms gave way as I watched the shield tumble to the ground. A door opened up and invited self-pity in—“Why me?” its banner.

I had just graduated law school, I had just failed the bar and was about to take it again. I have a 19-month old daughter.

But cancer doesn’t discriminate. It’s cruel, unyielding, and it downright sucks.

Next, loneliness. “Where are you God?” If I kept up this mental spiral soon, I’d been in the camp of doubt and bitterness toward God. I felt conviction and repented. “Lord, I am sorry for not trusting You.”

I made the phone calls. Family and close friends. A select few were incredibly supportive. Others filled my mind with unsolicited advice that hurt me more than it helped. Its ok, they didn’t do it with bad intention. Then, I learned I was not going to tell everyone—not until this was over. And I WILL have a testimony to share and will give all the glory to God.

I was told that chemo would kill me, but I don’t receive that in Jesus name. Was told to go plant-based, which I did but not because people were telling me, but, rather, because I made the decision. I was told I better call only a certain doctor because “I don’t wanna get the wrong one and cause unnecessary damages.” So while processing the awful news of getting cancer, I was getting bogged down with bucket fills of information, trying to sift through them all while maintaining my own sanity. Many times, my emotions took over. I lashed out at people. I isolated. I cried—a lot. I learned through it all that my medical decision is MY DECISION and no one else’s.

But, then in humility, I prayed. Because in making my decision I wanted to led by God and not by my flesh (ie. My emotions). Satan attacked me any way he could during this process. Sometimes, I wondered if deciding to do chemo was a lack of faith. Meanwhile, I wondered if I was qualified to lead groups of women at church while undergoing medical treatment. I wondered if I was a good mother and if I was ever going to become a lawyer.

But sometimes life stops you dead in your tracks. And even if this was an attack from hell, I KNOW that it would be used by God for good. I know that I would see God’s goodness in this experience. How, you might ask? (1) It is humbling me. I had been so distracted with bar prep and life (Me, me, me) that I often neglected time with God; (2) It is building my faith. Being forced to stand on the Word of God or go full-blown panic attack mode, I chose the former, although somedays I carried anxiety that was not mine; (3) It is strengthening the faith of those around me. Watching me go through this grueling process while still praising God, inspired other women to do the same. It kept others upbeat and positive that I would conquer this.

I now use my lawyering skills to build a case against the devil, himself. Every time thoughts of fear, death, or sickness try to burrow into my heart, I take out my double-edged sword, declaring, “IT IS WRITTEN,” just like Jesus did when tempted after His 40-day fast, when He was most vulnerable to temptation. I study the scriptures, I fill my mind with FAITH, I speak faith, I cut ties with anyone who spoke fear into me, I walk and talk like I was healed. I listen to the doctors, yes, but at the end of the day, I KNOW I will see the victory.

So I thank God. Yes, I thank Him that I have to go through cancer. Because I TRUST that He works for the GOOD of those who Love Him who are called according to His purpose. And I KNOW He knows the plans He has for me, Plans NOT TO HARM ME but to give me a HOPE And a FUTURE. So I confess that, I stand on that, I praise when I don’t feel like it, and pray like my life depends on it – because it does. Every situation is different and I don’t understand the mind of God because I am merely a woman here on earth. But I do know He is good, good in every season.

Thank You Jesus, I am a cancer survivor. Yes, even before I see a complete healing, I will declare I am healed BY FAITH.